


Take Me to Church

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: :(, Alternate Universe - Religious, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Author Is Not Religious, Body Worship, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Christianity, F/M, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Im Not Christian So This Might Be So Inaccurate, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Niki | Nihachu, Misogyny, No Smut, Pastors Son, Prayer, Protective Wilbur Soot, Real Names, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Song: Take Me To Church (Hozier), Songfic, but with no smut, just a little bit though, no beta we die like george in manhunt, religious trauma, wilbur and george are brothers, wilbur is the older brother I don't care what is canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28222653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "We were born sick", you heard them say it..........I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knifeOffer me that deathless deathGood God, let me give you my life..........
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Niki | Nihachu/Wilbur Soot
Comments: 5
Kudos: 76
Collections: Anonymous





	Take Me to Church

**Author's Note:**

> lol im jewish so this will be a little biased and unrealistic (srry to christians if this is unrealistic, feel free to correct me in the comments)

The cold silver chain feels like it burns George's skin, as if the cross shouldn't be there. As if he wasn't worthy. As if the cross could sense his sin and wanted to punish him. 

Music boomed around him but he didn't feel it in him to sing. He couldn't, it felt wrong. 

Singing, opening himself to God when not only could He love him, but he couldn't even love himself. He didn't deserve the Lord's love. 

The music faded out ending with a few "Amen"s, George quickly sat down, his trembling hands now tucked underneath his thighs. 

"Today's topic will be homosexuality" His father looked around with accusing eyes, almost as if looking for sinners from his post. 

George's heart dropped, he didn't want to talk about this right now. He couldn't, he physically couldn't stand it.

He felt sick. He was going to be sick. He couldn't leave that would be suspicious. Everyone would know. 

Everyone already knew. He could feel eyes on him. He needed to leave. 

He shimmied out of the benches, excusing himself with a "Sorry, I have to take an important phone call"

He found himself in the bathroom, tears leaking from his eyes. He couldn't stand it anymore, he ripped the cold metal from his neck, not truly having the heart to throw it or even put it down he kept it in his hands. 

He slides down the wall, crouching down, he tucks his head in his knees and brings his hands up to his chest.

𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘎𝘰𝘥, he begins his prayer, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭, 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘴. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭, 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘹𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘎𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘎𝘰𝘥, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦.

His body is shaking, he wants to feel better and not be wrong but he struggles to figure out why it's even wrong. He want's to be fixed but he wants to experience Clay's love. He want's to be normal but he doesn't know why his and Clay's love isn't normal. They were in love what was wrong with it? They were fags. Both of them. They needed to be fixed. Clay was perfect though. How could someone need to be fixed if they were perfect?

More tears leak from his eyes as he ends his prayer, 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘯.

The bathroom door opens and George's heart drops. He doesn't bother to lift his head, not wanting to reveal his identity or the fact that he was crying. 

"Georgie?" His brother's soft voice rings out.

He then looks up, almost as if it was instinct.

"Are you okay?" Wilbur crouches down next to him.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"No you're not, you're crying."

"Happy tears" He lies.

"Happy tears?" Wilbur sees right through his lie.

"Wilbur I'm a sinner" His words thin and broken.

"We all are Georgie, why do you think we're here?"

"You don't understand, I'm the worst sinner of them all."

"What do you mean?" Wilbur's confusion clear.

"Wilbur" he pauses, taking a shaking breath "I'm gay."

Before the older boy could speak George interrupted.

"But, I prayed on it, I have, I am, it will be gone soon, so don't worry"

"George..." Wilbur's voice still soft, unmoving, his tone still steady and comforting. 

"Yes?" More tears leak down his face, afraid of the insults and words that might come for him.

"You should know me better then that" His voice still comforting but somewhat offended, "I don't care who you love."

"But dad.."

"I am not our father"

A sob leaves George's mouth. 

"It doesn't matter who you love Georgie, as long as you love them I won't have a problem with it and God shouldn't either. If He forgives us and truly lets us repent then He shouldn't care about love. He loves us for us, He loves everyone, you are no exception."

"Wilbur,"

The older boy interrupts him and continues, "There is nothing wrong with you, you're not the worst sinner out there because everyone is equal. Our father is not truly following the words he speaks, he preaches love and equality but won't accept and love those who he thinks aren't equal to himself. He is not God, he can't make the decisions of what God would think. He is simply a pastor, he may understand God better then us but he doesn't understand the connection we have with God, because he is not us. If God truly loves everyone equally, no matter if you're a 'sinner' He should love you."

George takes in his words, his tears stopped. His and Clay's love can't be bad, even Wilbur agrees, but something deep within screams that it's wrong and that he'd get sent to Hell for it. That scares him, he doesn't want to get sent to Hell. He doesn't want Clay to get sent to Hell, he was to good.

"I think I may be in love, but I don't want him to get sent to Hell because of me. I tainted him. He's sick because of me." George tries to explain to Wilbur.

"George, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Guilt swarms in his stomach, maybe Wilbur did understand. He finally understood that he wasn't worthy of love, that his choices were sinful, that something was wrong with him.

"You didn't 𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 him" He sounds astonished. 

He didn't understand. 

George's face contorts into one of discomfort, why didn't he understand what he was saying?

Wilbur sighs, "There is no sweeter innocence than your gentle sin, you love him yes? Then why is it bad? Why is your love any different then anybody elses?"

"Because it's between to men Wilbur!"

"You are hardly a man George." He gets up, not being able to tell him the same things over and over. If he couldn't understand his words, he wouldn't be able to. 

Wilbur exits the bathroom leaving George by himself. 

Oh how George aches to be like his brother. No hatred for anybody, a woman to love, an understanding for things that George would never be able to achieve. 

He stands up, looks at himself and feels the overwhelming guilt in his stomach again. He is ugly. Not physically but inside. He is ugly inside. He's ugly because he's a sinner. 

His jaw quivers as he looks at himself, he wants to look away, he doesn't want to look at himself anymore because he hates what he is but he can't look away. He deserves to feel this pain and discomfort. Maybe that would finally fix him, maybe this pain would make him finally realize that he is wrong. That these feelings aren't normal. 

He finally tears his eyes away when he hears claps and music playing. The sermon was over, everyone was leaving. 

He rushes out of the bathroom as fast as he can, putting on a fake smile immediately. He played well into his character, just enough for others to believe it, he wishes he was good enough at it to convince himself he was this picture perfect boy he pretended to be. 

He walks up to his family, his mother with an equally big smile, shaking hands and chatting with everyone that walked by. Her hair long, her body concealed with a long dress and sleeves. She was a proper woman, she was the type of woman that every man wished they could have. His father was the perfect man, tall, strong, but wise. His brother was perfect in similar but different ways, tall, strong, wise, understanding, but gentle. Of course he had a wife, who was also perfect, shoulder length blonde hair, a kind voice, wise, conservative, and beautiful. He wished he could be attracted to someone like her, she was perfect. Everyone but him was perfect. 

His father's hand lays heavy on his shoulder, almost as a reminder that George would never be him, he would never be as good as anyone else. 

He always looked up to his father, he always sat taller then everybody, he always thought he was better, elevated but he did it in a way that wasn't cocky or rude. He sat on a high horse well deserved and God was that a fine looking high horse. 

Once he was done talking with people and his Father had cleaned up (with a few volunteers) they went home. 

The car ride wasn't long but it was silent and tense, it always was, as if there was a conflict constantly happening without his knowledge. 

He, Wilbur, and his wife Niki sat in the back. His mother in the passenger seat and his father driving. 

He exited the car once they got home and walked quickly to get inside. The house was big, they had money, most people at the church had money. 

He rushed past the dining table, into the living room, picking up a bible as if to give himself an excuse as to why no one should bother him then went into his bedroom. Right across the hall was Wilbur and Niki's room, then beside theirs was his parents. 

He puts the bible down on his bedside table, pulls out his phone and texts Clay. 

𝘊𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳? 𝘞𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘸 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦

He writes and gets a response almost immediately 

𝘪'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘸

He smiles and puts down his phone, actually deciding to read the bible he brought with him. He reads for 20 minutes or so before his window is being knocked on. 

He opens it and helps Clay in. 

"Hey" His voice deeper then George's.

He smiled up at him, and hugs him tightly. Needing some sort of emotional release and comfort. 

"What's wrong?" 

He sighed into his chest, cursing himself for not realizing that his clingy-ness would lead to some confusion.

"Do you think I've tainted you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did I make you a sinner?" His voice was weak but expecting.

"George" Clay sighs, "How many times do i have to tell you, you didn't 𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 me. I was gay before I met you."

George flinches a bit at the word gay, he doesn't mean to but it feels wrong coming out of Clay's perfect lips. The dirtiness of the word contradicting the pristine cleanliness of his mouth. Clay pulls him from his chest when he feels the flinch. He looks at him with astonishment.

"Clay, we're sick"

"Yeah, we were 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯 sick and I don't know about you, but I love it. I love the way you feel in my hands or hugging me. I love your voice and your laugh and if that makes me sick then so be it."

The guilt in George's stomach temporarily fizzles away, this is the closest to Heaven he thinks he'll ever be, he feels loved, he feels worthy and it's nice even if it's only for a few seconds.

"Today's sermon was on homosexuality" George says weakly.

Clay's breath hitches, already having an idea of where this will be going.

"I left though, I couldn't handle hearing my own father say that about us." George continues, "I couldn't handle feeling that dirty in a church."

"George, I think it would be best if you stopped going to church for a while."

George stops hugging him, his eyes almost popping out of his head. 

"What do you mean."

"All i'm saying is that it's not healthy for you, you're beating yourself up baby. You're letting the words effect you more then they should."

"No I can't stop going, it helps me" He says panicking. 

"George, it's fresh poison each week."

"No! It helps me." He's shaking, he can't stop, if he stops he'll go to Hell.

"You, you just tell them your sins and they sharpen their knife!" Clay is hurt, and it's apparent, he doesn't like seeing George like this, "You tell them things when vulnerable and scared and they use it against you George can't you see that!"

"It helps me" He repeats.

"They're manipulating you! They make you afraid of things you shouldn't be afraid of. No one should be afraid of going to 𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭 for being who they are, you shouldn't have to conceal yourself just to be offered a 'deathless death' George, it's unhealthy."

George stays quiet for a bit before speaking up again, "When I go it's the only place I feel human, where I feel clean" 

Clay looks shocked, maybe even a little angry "George this isn't healthy, you shouldn't have to hate yourself so that you can be accepted, that should just come naturally."

George starts crying, he crumbles to the floor, crying turns to sobbing. Clay sits down on the floor with him and scoops him up, rocking him back and forth slowly.

"George, baby, you have to understand, you're worshiping a shrine of lies, you don't deserve that. You deserve to be loved and accepted by people who you don't have to lie to. You deserve unconditional love from people who won't tear you down and make you break down." He kisses his head and continues rocking him.

"I love you" His voice is watery and broken.

"I love you too" Clay says back with no hesitation, "I really love you."


End file.
